16.04.2012
Kui palju kordi olen olnud ühel tuttaval ristmikul, millel on rohkem kui neli haru. Jälle olen jäänud seisma siia, mõtlema, mis suunas edasi. Üsna palju kulgevad sealt tuttavaid teesid oma seikluste ja kohatud inimestega, mis ahvatlevad aeg-ajalt tagasi oma kõige paremates mälestustes. On ka tee, kuhu suundudes võin vaid aimata, mis ees ootab – osaliselt käidud, kuid päris lõpuni käimata. Ma ei tea mis juhtub, kas tee läheb üle millekski muuks või ootab seal järgmine ristmik, otsustamise koht, kust veel edasi minna? Kas ma leian veel tagasitee, kui käidud on üsna palju või on see hoopis ühesuunaline tee, kust tagasi keerata enam ei anna? Minnes jätan maha kõik turvalise, ehk ka endise mina ja minu soovid. Kaua läheb aega, kui uus tee omaks saab, kas ma üldse tahan seda, kelle eluga ma edasi lähen, kui see pole päriselt enam minu? On ja ei ole ka.
Aega harjumiseks vajan igal teel, kuid eriti seal, kus kulgemine toimub hoopis vastupidises suunas. Seal, kus tekib esiti suur lõhe minu ja keskkonna vahel. Kuidas ma sobitun maailma, kus ma pole veel olnud? Kas läheb see üle kivide ja kändude või lennates üle pilvelõhkujate, tuleb see siiski ette võtta, sest vanad rajad ei rahulda enam täielikult või on nad peaaegu küllastumise äärel. Kuskilt maalt tuleb ette võtta see otsus, kust tagasiteed enam pole. See pole enam edasi-tagasi siiberdamine, vaid millegi lõpuni viimine, mis võib lõhkuda kõik mu eelnevad ootused ja suured unistused.
23.04.2012
And then you start thinking what he wants from you. You want to be left alone because that’s how you have used to manage your life. That’s how you can be truely with your thoughts. The more he insists the more you escape. Probably he will start thinking what’s wrong with you. Something went missing at this point. What is that? Has it been there ever?
Then you might start fooling him. You’ll do whatever you like because you know you have the power and after all you want to see him making efforts. But you don’t care that much if you ever did. You might think it’s not right but in a way you enjoy the attention. But in deep you actually don’t care.
You really miss someone else... The one somewhere there. What does happen when he comes closer? ...You don’t want him anymore. He is attractive as long as he is unreachable. You want him desparately but if you get him your illusional world will collapse and that’s even worse. So you will suffer anyway with or without him.
29.04.2012
I’m standing again in front of a book shelf not knowing what to pick up next. Perhaps I’m like a child who gets bored really quickly when something is not enough interesting and has to look for something alternative. I quess I’ve read too many boring books in my past that I feel urge to move on quickly to another knowing there’s someting more attractive. Yes, I know it by now because I’ve read some very good books recently and nothing less of that doesn’t satisfy me anymore. But what does? There are two books in my mind right now. One of them was so exciting that I never wanted to finish it and I’m really attempted to pick it up again. The main reason for that is to get to know if I still can read it like I used to. Is the book as exciting as the other one I started to read some months ago. Has my taste changed? Actually I don’t care. I feel like reading the old book before carrying on with the newest which I don’t find so attractive. The beginning of that was promising but it is so predictable that makes me yawn. I still wouldn’t use the word boring. I would call it for everyday and everyday is not for long. I wouldn’t stay I don’t want it in a long run but ... perhaps not yet.
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